Estate planning can split siblings. Here’s how to navigate hurt feelings.

On occasion, I’ll be revisiting and updating past columns with the most universal financial advice. To potential heirs, I often give this advice: You aren’t entitled to other people’s money, even your parents’ assets. This opinion has elicited so much feedback that I thought I’d share some of the comments from readers who have urged me to reconsider my view that parents have no obligation to leave anything to their adult children. “Discovering that you are being treated very differently than your siblings is a wrenching experience,” one reader wrote. Another said: “I have dissected, investigated, and lived the horror of disinheritance. The blow from the grave was stunning.” Advertisement I’ve heard from people who say their parents doled out money to irresponsible adult children, essentially squandering the inheritance they would have received. Learn how to save, spend mindfully and talk about money with your family and friends. End of carousel “Why is it that certain children help themselves to parents’ funds for decades?” a reader named Michele wrote. The other siblings are left with nothing.” Here’s what one reader thought was fair: “If parents choose to help their financially less successful children, they should consider it a loan or an advance on their inheritance. Money is not love, but unfairness builds resentment.” She emphasized, though, that this did not include siblings who are physically or mentally disabled. Advertisement “Some nominal inheritance would have softened the memory, would have said he recognized he was a poor parent and regretted it,” she wrote. “We had no idea why we were disinherited.” To her thinking, a will illuminates the parent’s opinion of the child and regard for their history. When a parent leaves a piece of jewelry or furniture to a friend and then, without explanation, disinherits a child whose entire life had weathered difficulties with the parent, the non-bequest is loaded with messages. It is certainly the ultimate rejection.” After years of hearing from disappointed heirs, my advice has evolved. Advertisement “After my father’s funeral, I was informed by my brother, who is a lawyer and was executor of the will, that I had been totally cut out,” a third reader wrote. “I asked why, and he said it was dad’s wishes. The hurt will never go away, ever.” Maybe an adult child caregiver is left more than siblings who wouldn’t or couldn’t help care for a parent. “To decide to treat one child dramatically different in a will is often a negative statement,” Sarah wrote. Parents that decide to punish a child, consciously or not, I’m guessing really have little awareness of how that decision will be absorbed by the family and how it will reverberate for many years.” Advertisement Recently, a married reader with no children reached out looking for advice on estate planning and what’s fair. “I have one godchild who I am close to whose parents are doctors,” she said. “A significant portion of [the estate] would go to this godchild, but I also have family members who I am not close to who aren’t well-off that I could leave the money to.” To this godmother, I would caution about assuming physician parents will leave an inheritance. The more money people make, the more they might spend. When we give to charitable causes, we don’t typically have a close relationship with the recipients of our generosity. A reader from Virginia decided to disinherit his youngest child, who struggled with drug, alcohol, gambling and anger-management issues. “I do not want to cause pain for my son upon my demise, but leaving a large amount of money to him would be the same as throwing it away,” he said. Ultimately, it’s your money, and you have a right to do with it what you want. – This Summarize was created by Neural News AI (V1). Source: https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/2024/08/23/estate-planning-inheritance-assets-siblings/